What is really happening….

It’s been a really rough couple of days, just wishing and praying the pain goes away. Not often do I have some days like this, and the days like this I sure don’t miss.
Im blessed today as you can see, I am living and breathing, and just being me.
I am told that I must live life on life’s terms, without active addiction and news things to learn.
After all this time, and all I’ve overcome, this disease still effects me somehow through someone.
I have no control of the nouns in my life, yet I still let them cause me a small bit of strife.
I’ve not broken my time or commitment to self, I am fully aware, put it up on God’s shelf.
My attitudes my thinking whatever it may be, the problems I am choosing to tackle at sea.
My mountains, my valleys, and even my peaks, are optional battles that I choose for me.
I know I don’t have to appear at each and every fight, my battles are my choices, and lose them I might.
But don’t you be fooled, by my rant tonight, because I have shared this I’ll sleep good tonight.
I am but mere human and cant save the day, but clean and sober is my desire, just for today!

Gratitude speaks, when I share and when I care, Just For Today!

A Group of Many One’s

We are a group of people, who on an individual basis are all experiencing life, which is an ever evolving mystery that encompasses pain and passion, faith and fear all in a days work, and yet we may feel alone in this huge world, someone else feels the same, somewhere.  We are truly never perfect or imperfect just the way we are, we are each our own hero’s and monsters, nurturers and haters.  Some of us leave Earth early, some late, some by choice, some by accident, some break down and get sick, and some just grow old; we each now know that every person has a ripple effect on the world around them even when they do not know it. Unity.Image

Class so far..

What is going on here, life is spinning so fast, yet so good. Don’t stop now I think. Theres so much to do. As I sit in the parking lot music blaring, loving it. What are my thoughts, well, yesterday I had 13 years clean and sober, today I have to give a self presentation. My thoughts race faster than I can put hem down, it’s a good thing.

Daniel is back from FLorida, he seems well, if theres such a thing in early recovery. He and my daughter are picking up where they left off which they think is starting anew. ha ha. I have enjoyed our conversation so far, it sounds all well and good.

My phone is ringing and beeping, idc though, let it ring, i hate my phone. I love music, it is so much better than the phone, its peaceful for my head no matter how loud it is. I will share tonight about the steps, my big book, the promises. Kelsey’s favorite song is on now, it si very intense, just like I feel. freehand writing is good, hopefully you’ll be able to follow it later. I dont know if I will. But idc it needs to be done. the music is thrashing in my ears, its matches the passion i feel inside all the time whether it be good or bad. I wonder if other people feel as loud as I do. I feel like they don’t. If they did, I think the world would be a different place somehow. Music and artists are so deep. Call 911 NOW! Yes Skrillex, I hear you, Mr. watch out for that little girl, she will come back to haunt you. She with gather the strength of many others and kill you.

Soon it will time to go in, i dont want to stop writing, I dont often get the chance, if I do it anyways wil the teacher notice? Will she give two craps?

I dont know what to do now. I guess I could tell you I have made a few friends in class. What sucks about this short class stuff is that you come to actually like these people and connect yourself to the world, and then boom its over. Err. The class ends at 10 and sometimes we are outside until 10:30 chatting away like its not a care in the world of time and space. Why does not everyone want to be on a path of self-enlightenment. Are there people who are really satisfied with who they are completely, without any question? God help them. I feel liek I will never be satisfied with anything, I will forever be craving growth and change, I guess that can be really bad, never happy? Will I arrive someday? Will I get to a place where I am not longer interested in school, in learning in God? Jesus I hope not.

The tone is down a notch with 10000 hrs by Mackelmore, obsessed by the way. Meaning, substance, but recovery of course. Please tell me that those people who are damaged goods are the only ones in the world that are open to enlightenment. Please tell me there are more, I feel like us people with a past are aliens in a world of Zombies who are separated from the truth, the light. Will they ever fucking get it?

Time to go, OUT

“How Does It Feel To Ask For Help?”

images-4“How Does It Feel To Ask For Help?”

            Just like it states in one of my favorite songs, “I get by with a little help from my friends”.  In my personal life, friends really are the family I choose for myself.  I feel that because of an unstable upbringing, and the lack of ability my family had to meet my very basic needs, I learned at a young age to become self-reliant.  Unfortunately, children can not raised themselves in a manner healthy enough to productive members of society with the coping skills I had learned.  The other unfortunate piece is that my immature and underdeveloped best thinking landed me on a troublesome path.  Self-will run riot is what I call it now that I am a bit healthier than before.

            Asking for help was not something I knew of, and I was taught that if I ask and receive help; I would pay dearly for it later.  I was taught that the world was an ugly place and to “just deal with it”.  Needless to say I dealt with it the way I learned how from my family which was to drink and use for each and every emotion.

At 16 years old, and a cocaine habit, I knew I had a problem yet could not ask for help.  At 18 years old I relocated to California, changed addictions to methamphetamines, quickly developed a new habit and a pregnancy and still could not ask for help.  At this point in life I am 18 pregnant and can not stop using while pregnant, I knew I was in big trouble and still had no where to turn if I wanted to.  I married a friend of mine in the hopes that we could work together to raise my child.  I first warned him of what he was getting into.  After the glory of infancy, my child learned to walk and talk, becoming a little bit more independent, I returned to my old behaviors, and eventually left my good friend who was also my husband.

For the following three years, I abused meth again, I volunteered for one abusive relationship after another and just spiraled into an out of control and pitiful life.  While selling meth to support my child, my habit, and myself I felt like I was on a continuous merry-go-round that I could not get off of.  For someone living my lifestyle, I always knew I was different, however I had no idea why.  I had attempted to return to school before, and that didn’t work out.  Every time I tried to help myself, it never worked out.  Self-will run riot.  I desperately wanted something better and had no idea how to get it.

Eventually one night I got busted, and I remember wondering whether to be scared or relieved.  Through the drug-court program, and not my first attempt, I eventually got some help….  From the courts.  I was placed in a long-term treatment program for substance abuse that was designed for pre-natal women and children.  The first night I was there, I cried with relief.  I had probably cried for the first time in as long as I could remember.  It felt so good to have my will out of my hands.  This is where the magic began for me.

While in treatment there were group therapy/addiction education classes all day, every day.  For me it was like earning a PhD on the subject of Kerry Ann.  Through these groups, 12 Step work, and one on one counseling I learned many things.  One on the most profound things I had heard my counselor say to me was, “Kerry Ann, why does everything with you have to be a business transaction, why cant you just accept something without feeling obliged to give something in return?”  I responded that, “That is the way the world works, everybody wants something and there is nothing for free.”  This may be true, a lot, but if we surround ourselves with people who are not using, we might discover something else.

For me, an addict in recovery, asking for help has a life or death value to it.  If you can ask for help, you can live; if you cannot ask for help, you die with your pride.  Learning to let go, and allow others in to your life for any reason is opening yourself up to vulnerability, however alternative is to risk relapse and death.

Being in a place where you need to ask for help can bring huge feelings of powerlessness, fear, anxiety, and they all lead to relapse if you do not ask for help.  On a daily basis, I have not only ask for God’s help, but the help of my fellow NA’s and AA’s in order to sometimes make the simplest decisions.  My life, my daughters’ lives depend on the humility needed to ask for help.

I still try to suffer alone all the time.  Thankfully I get by with a little help from my friends.  When things aren’t going my way, when I am frustrated, when the bills are bigger than the income my friends help my out by going to coffee and helping my keep things in perspective, help to remember to have gratitude for all of these “luxury problems”.  When my father passed away, my friends were there, not my family.  They loved me when I was suffering, and they did it for free.  This is a concept I couldn’t understand.  Just recently when my daughter got injured and had surgery, families who know me and how busy we are knew that just because I have an injured kid, I still have to live as quickly as always, they made food for my family.  They did it for free, they did it so I could be there for my child without stressing on feeding and cleaning and driving and going bananas.  They did it because that’s what friends do.  I do get by with a little help from my friends, and thankfully I have them.  I had one friend who never left my side this past two weeks.  She drove for me; she made lots of phone calls for me because people actually cared what was happening.  Help, I may struggle to ask for it, but when I do, I get it, and it’s free.

How does it feel to ask for help?  It is really hard, but it gets easier.  For me to name a time where I asked for help; every single day.  Every single day, every single decision.  I know for this addict, when I stop reaching out, and I stop asking for help I will be participating in self-will run riot, clean or not and that is not what I have worked so for.  The most important time I have ever asked for help, was when I called my probation officer and told him that I could not stay clean, even while pregnant and that I needed help.  It was the best phone call that I ever made; in fact it saved my life.

At this time in my life, asking for help is not as hard as it used to be.  I have accepted the fact that we all need help, and it is ok to ask.  Whether it is a small task, like laundry or a large task like loaning money I am always there for others and I like to help out.  When I see a woman who looks like I did 13 years ago, alone, and desperate yet stubborn, I will offer what I have and I will let her know that it is ok to ask for help, it just might save your life.  Being in a severe spot where you need to ask for help in my world is dark, scary, lonely, and fearful in fact terrifying.  But if I practice asking for help, as stubborn as I am, my blessings will keep pouring down on me as they have for the past 13 years.

JFT

Lightening the load

“It will not make us better people to judge the faults of another. It will make us feel better to clean up our lives…”

Basic Text, p. 38

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Sometimes we need something tangible to help us understand what holding a resentment is doing to us. We may not be aware of how destructive resentments actually are. We think, “So what, I have a right to be angry,” or, “I might be nursing a grudge or two, but I don’t see the harm.”

To see more clearly the effect that holding resentments is having in our lives, we might try imagining that we are carrying a rock for each resentment. A small grudge, such as anger at someone driving badly, might be represented by a pebble. Harboring ill will toward an entire group of people might be represented by a enormous boulder. If we actually had to carry stones for each resentment, we would surely tire of the weight. In fact, the more cumbersome our burden, the more sincere our efforts to unload it would be.

The weight of our resentments hinders our spiritual development. If we truly desire freedom, we will seek to rid ourselves of as much extra weight as possible. As we lighten up, we’ll notice an increased ability to forgive our fellow human beings for their mistakes, and to forgive ourselves for our own. We’ll nourish our spirits with good thoughts, kind words, and service to others.

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Just for today: I will seek to have the burden of resentments removed from my spirit.

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Daily Prompt: Proud

Daily Prompt: Proud.

When was the last time someone told me they were proud of me?

Well, quite frankly, I happen to know exactly when it was, December 19th.  It  was at the end of my first semester back to school for the first time in 18years, after being a high school drop-out.  After having been through a torturous addiction, getting and staying clean and having 2 children and three marriages, the current husband being my third.  I only share all of that to help you understand how unlikely it is that I would ever get the chance to go back to school to begin with.  With a 17 year old daughter and and a 12 year old daughter, I thought that they were now old enough, and I have been clean long enough to start working towards my goals and dreams.  I also wanted to be a positive role model for my girls.  Not to mention that my only dream in he whole world is to get an education so that I can finally feel like a somebody.  My husband tells me all the time that an education will not make me a better person, but I feel that accomplishing that goal for myself and breaking all the odds will help me feel more empowered.  Less shame, less fear can come in the way of me feeling that I may not have something to offer to the world.  Knowing this is something I have wanted my whole life and thinking I would never achieve it, when I came home from my last day of finals, the two of us had good cause to celebrate.  I had managed to pull off some grades that were pretty impressive.  I felt like I had defeated my past, my negative self-tape that has played incessantly in my head for 30 years, telling me I would never amount, that I would never succeed.  That is a feeling that I can only describe in a series of dramatic ways, like slaying my emotional demons.  My husband was so unselfishly, so genuinely happy for me, he told me he was so proud of me, and hearing that from him, a man of such great honor, was like my Prince slaying yet another demon from my past for me, the voice of my family which are the demons in my head.  They no longer own me, and my education continues on fearlessly, knowing that through God and a 12-Step program, ALL things are possible.  Proud I am, and proud I should be.  My life really is nothing short of a miracle.  Amen