The woman goes through her day, doing what she needs to do. She’s a mother and must keep up with all the regular tasks and not blink an eye, shed a tear, or reveal whats going on in her mind. Its a solemn day with mundane tasks, so it would seem to others. But for her, its a bit of a tear to the heartstrings. She has had to stop at the pharmacy and make a decision that will forever stick in her mind. One little pill, can change so much. She ignores her preexisting desire for herself and swallows the truth, its never going to happen for her again. No matter the amount of vitamins, the amount of medical help, she will never bear fruit. It is heartbreaking to her because she is finally in love for the first time. She goes on through her day as if nothing has happened, no major decision has been made, after all she is a mom, a woman who just does what needs to be done without second guessing, and without looking back. She stands firm.
A while later when she is alone to think. She ponders her action. What if? What if that was the only chance, and it may have been. But its too late now, and it was the right decision. She thinks to herself how easy it is for men. How different. And she holds no compassion for that. She is hot and cold, her heart possesses a magical light switch that only she controls, it has two settings, on and off and they’re always in use. She decides what to share and what to keep. She’s always been that way. One would call her a bit selfish. Never giving the husband a choice, never making him a part of the process, sometimes not even informed. It seems unfair doesn’t it, but she knows no other way.
She has almost no regard for the emotions of others involved, she takes complete responsibility, which is probably why she affords no others any rights. She decides, she’s in control of her destiny. She is at her weakest when she finds she’s behaving in a manor which she is not able to control, and it makes for a great deal of inner conflict and frustration. She hates when others have even a slither of power over so much as one of her thoughts throughout the day. She would perceive this as weak in her mind. Yet when others experience the same she thinks it is adorable. What is with the double standard she holds herself to?
Now that her sin is complete, she almost completely dismisses any compassion or weakness for the other party, the light switch went off. She has this amazing ability to just let it go, and still be herself. She needs not his permission to switch that light and laughs at the thought of allowing him a chance to sway her. She sways for no one. She recognizes her situations and immediately learns the lesson, leaving the possibility of wreckage of the futher behavior pattern in the dust. She takes what she needs and leaves the rest. Does this make her more powerful or a down right coward. She’ll never know. But she does know this, God sees her for who she really is, and hopefully His judgement of her is one that she lacks, compassion, forgiveness and everlasting love. She wonders when she will learn those things, when she will master those skills, if ever. She assumes never, or until the pearly gates she enters through will such a gift of love and knowledge be bestowed onto her. She now realizes that her should will probably be recycled through life over and over rather than go up above so that she can try again to live without sin, without hurting herself and others. She is scared of what comes next, because for her, no bad deed goes unpunished. She is aware of this pre-sin and knows that she must accept what is coming to her, yet vows to herself that no matter what she will protect the others involved, as she believes that they are unaware of the value of the events that have taken place to feel shame for. She feels glad for them, that they do not have to feel the extent of the wreckage on the soul, but even more sad for them because eventually someday, they will look back, and hate her for what she has done, for what she had allowed to take place. She wishes she could write an apology and bury it until the time is right, she prays he will learn to forgive himself once he sees his part. She prays with her heart and soul that he never looks back and sees the truth about her. She prays until beads of sweat seep from her forehead, because she believes he deserves better than self-loathing. She prays for him to let it fade away and forget, like a rain cloud drifting to make way for the summer sun, and never lets it return. She prays she’ll be forgotten. For the sake of his soul. She genuinely wishes for him the most blissful life filled with love and adventure for ever and ever, because he deserves it.