Daily Prompt: Nightmares Feb 19

Describe the last nightmare you remember having. What do you think it meant?Image

 

 

Describe the last nightmare I had???  Really, it’s the same nightmare, the only nightmare I have, and it’s again and again.

It all started 6 years ago when my husband proposed.  The fear of sharing my life, and risking hurt was so overwhelming that I stopped sleeping.  After the insomnia subsided, and I started to sleep again, I had reoccurring dreams that my then fiancé would die, cheat, or flirt right in my face and not even care.  Laughing in my face.  Its been torture for so long.  As of recent they have decreased in frequency and severity, however when I do dream, that is what it is; most of the time.

Thank God I realize that those nightmares are really my fears manifesting in my unconscious mind.

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Just For Today…February 18

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The recovery partnership

“As long as I take it easy and make a commitment with my Higher Power to do the best I can, I know I will be taken care of today.”

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Many of us feel that our fundamental commitment in recovery is to our Higher Power. Knowing that we lack the power to stay clean and find recovery on our own, we enter into a partnership with a Power greater than we are. We make a commitment to live in the care of our Higher Power and, in return, our Higher Power guides us.

This partnership is vital to staying clean. Making it through the early days of recovery often feels like the hardest thing we’ve ever done. But the strength of our commitment to recovery and the power of God’s care is sufficient to carry us through, just for today.

Our part in this partnership is to do the very best we can each day, showing up for life and doing what’s put in front of us, applying the principles of recovery to the best of our ability. We promise to do the best we can—not to fake it, not to pretend to be superhuman, but simply to do the footwork of recovery. In fulfilling our part of the recovery partnership, we experience the care our Higher Power has provided us.

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Just for today: I will honor my commitment to a partnership with my Higher Power.

Today I will honor my partnership with my higher power by meeting with a sponsee that I work with, inviting God into our time together and doing some step work.  I always pray for my HP’s guidance when meeting with a sponsee so that I may guide them in His will and NOT my own.  I am a fallible human, no matter how good my intentions may be.

Daily Prompt: The Clock

Daily Prompt: The Clock

Write about anything you’d like. Somewhere in your post, include the sentence, “I heard the car door slam, and immediately looked at the clock.”

During the winter, my husbands construction company gears up the trucks with plows and supplements their income by sanding and plowing for the local towns.  I am very used to spending the time during snowy weather with my girls, bundled up at home.  I miss my husband terribly when he is out during ungodly hours in tretcherous weather for late night hours on end.  If I can and there is no “stay home” warnings, I like to bring him some soup, or food of some sort during his long cold night.

This most recent storm, Nemo; I was geared up to be on lock-down at home for a few days.  The storm was severe enough that no one was leaving home until he came home and plowed our own driveway.  Just in case he did stop in for food or warmth, I had laid a warm towel and his jammies close to the fireplace so they would be warm when he came home.  I also slept on the couch so I could hear him come in and serve him, baby him a little.  I would stay up as late as I could doing homework or blogging until eventually I would fall asleep right there on the couch.

For three nights in a row I did this, and soon enough, I heard the car door slam, and immediately looked at the clock.  Yes, it was morning and he was home, I sprung from the couch and ran to the door to see if it was him.  It most certainly was him, he was plugging in the diesel truck motor block to keep it from freezing over night.

Just seeing his face after that much time away made me fall in love all over again.

Kiss (The Daily Post)

Kiss (The Daily Post)

Used in my wedding DVD, felt as the most meaningful kiss to my future. Taken on the beach, while spending time as a family. I absolutely love this man and he means more to mean than I could ever describe. XOXOXOX

Daily Prompt: Proud

Daily Prompt: Proud.

When was the last time someone told me they were proud of me?

Well, quite frankly, I happen to know exactly when it was, December 19th.  It  was at the end of my first semester back to school for the first time in 18years, after being a high school drop-out.  After having been through a torturous addiction, getting and staying clean and having 2 children and three marriages, the current husband being my third.  I only share all of that to help you understand how unlikely it is that I would ever get the chance to go back to school to begin with.  With a 17 year old daughter and and a 12 year old daughter, I thought that they were now old enough, and I have been clean long enough to start working towards my goals and dreams.  I also wanted to be a positive role model for my girls.  Not to mention that my only dream in he whole world is to get an education so that I can finally feel like a somebody.  My husband tells me all the time that an education will not make me a better person, but I feel that accomplishing that goal for myself and breaking all the odds will help me feel more empowered.  Less shame, less fear can come in the way of me feeling that I may not have something to offer to the world.  Knowing this is something I have wanted my whole life and thinking I would never achieve it, when I came home from my last day of finals, the two of us had good cause to celebrate.  I had managed to pull off some grades that were pretty impressive.  I felt like I had defeated my past, my negative self-tape that has played incessantly in my head for 30 years, telling me I would never amount, that I would never succeed.  That is a feeling that I can only describe in a series of dramatic ways, like slaying my emotional demons.  My husband was so unselfishly, so genuinely happy for me, he told me he was so proud of me, and hearing that from him, a man of such great honor, was like my Prince slaying yet another demon from my past for me, the voice of my family which are the demons in my head.  They no longer own me, and my education continues on fearlessly, knowing that through God and a 12-Step program, ALL things are possible.  Proud I am, and proud I should be.  My life really is nothing short of a miracle.  Amen

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Daily Prompt: Cupid’s Arrow

It’s Valentine’s Day, so write an ode to someone or something you love. Bonus points for poetry!

Dear Skip,

On this day,  Valentines Day we are to take time to rejoice in the gifts of love with the ones we love.  When I ponder this, I think that everyday is Valentines Day for us.  I feel so blessed to be in this journey of life with you, my best friend.  There is plenty of business going on in our lives that keep us from spending the time we would like together.  Distractions that will age out of our home soon.  Obligations and differents hats we are responsible for, and never ceasing to work as a team to make all things possible for our “Brady” sized family.  It is funny how we joke about all the things we will do when the kids are all out.  The feeling inside me when we thing discuss being together in the future since we have both had babies since we were babies.

Our love has not come easy by any stretch, well at least not easy to reach that point.  Each of us had built every bit of character we possess through blood, sweat and tears.  None of the love we have came easily or without a very costly price.  However without the paths we walked before each other, we would not appreciate what we have today with the passion that we do.  A love so plain yet deep, simple but by no means easy is what we have.  The deepest, most rewarding kind of love.  There is not a single thing we wouldn’t do for the other, knowing that neither of us would ever ask anything in violation of the other.  The mutual respect and selfless love we have is rare and immeasurable.

Isn’t that what you get when you have already kissed every frog first???  And isn’t that what you get when you have settled for less for so long, and then a DECENT, UN-SELFISH person comes along, doesnt it seem to flow so naturally?  When you have gone and made your mistakes due to immaturity or bad motives before meeting “the one”, things just seem so much more real, so genuine, so so so good.

Happy 6th Valentines Day baby, Together, we can!Ruby Heart

Daily Prompt: Shoulda Woulda Coulda

Daily Prompt: Shoulda Woulda Coulda.

 

Shoulda, woulda, couda….

Well, I should quit smoking!  I did at one point for quite a while, until my dear cousin had a terrible accident and we weren’t sure if he would make it.  Smoking certainly didn’t help the situation but at the time (seeing as I am in recovery), smoking was definitely the lesser of all of the evils I could’ve picked up something far worse.  As far as my woulda, well of course if I could go back I would not have bought that damned pack of buts that night.  And I should’ve quit again the minute he was in the clear.  But, I didn’t.

I hate that I smoke, it is a nasty habit that need to leave m life.  I will never give up trying, I am worth so much more than what smoking had to offer to me.   I gave up control of my life for far too long for addiction, I dont want to die being a hostage to my smoking.  An quite frankly, it gives me premature wrinkles that I am far too young to have.  JUST SAY NO!