Just got back Monday. Still exhausted and exhilarated from the results. I will be back to normal soon 🙂
When was the last time someone told me they were proud of me?
Well, quite frankly, I happen to know exactly when it was, December 19th. It was at the end of my first semester back to school for the first time in 18years, after being a high school drop-out. After having been through a torturous addiction, getting and staying clean and having 2 children and three marriages, the current husband being my third. I only share all of that to help you understand how unlikely it is that I would ever get the chance to go back to school to begin with. With a 17 year old daughter and and a 12 year old daughter, I thought that they were now old enough, and I have been clean long enough to start working towards my goals and dreams. I also wanted to be a positive role model for my girls. Not to mention that my only dream in he whole world is to get an education so that I can finally feel like a somebody. My husband tells me all the time that an education will not make me a better person, but I feel that accomplishing that goal for myself and breaking all the odds will help me feel more empowered. Less shame, less fear can come in the way of me feeling that I may not have something to offer to the world. Knowing this is something I have wanted my whole life and thinking I would never achieve it, when I came home from my last day of finals, the two of us had good cause to celebrate. I had managed to pull off some grades that were pretty impressive. I felt like I had defeated my past, my negative self-tape that has played incessantly in my head for 30 years, telling me I would never amount, that I would never succeed. That is a feeling that I can only describe in a series of dramatic ways, like slaying my emotional demons. My husband was so unselfishly, so genuinely happy for me, he told me he was so proud of me, and hearing that from him, a man of such great honor, was like my Prince slaying yet another demon from my past for me, the voice of my family which are the demons in my head. They no longer own me, and my education continues on fearlessly, knowing that through God and a 12-Step program, ALL things are possible. Proud I am, and proud I should be. My life really is nothing short of a miracle. Amen
So, Because I am an addict in recovery and have the privilege of working a 12 step program, I become very angry with myself for experiencing some of the emotions I am feeling lately. I am trying to keep in mind that I am sick, also I am experiencing some change and discomfort due to medication changes, as well as some outside problems we’ll call…. life’s on life’s terms. So as of this past Saturday, I went up to my daughters gym to video some footage of her to make a video for her advertisement of a sneaker, while doing so, I think I picked up a nasty little virus. I suspect that’s where I got it because apparently its been traveling through the gym like a bug in daycare. Now Sunday I am feeling pretty crappy, I decided that since I dont have to attend class again until Tuesday morning, that I will rest up as best can and catch up with some reading and studying afterwards. Unfortunately I get sicker as time goes on. The frustration of the needy spoiled kids and my large amount of tenants/squatters/roomies????? I am not feeling comfortable or rested anywhere. Not to mention that for each person in the house there is a pet of some sort, cat or dog, including myself that needs attending and the house that needs attending due to the children/adults/pets we have living here….. Which normally may not seem like a big deal, but when I am sick and cant do much of anything except watch my home fall apart, I become more and more agitated. To make things interesting, I am also a full-time student working for my BS in Human Services, with no intentions of stopping there. I am the wife of a small business owner, who’s corporate taxes are due soon, hint, hint, for me. Oh also, I am a full-time cheer-mom of two competitive all-star cheer athletes, who travel quite a bit from January to May. Did I mention that their cheer gym is 45 minutes (1.5 hrs because of the weekday traffic) away from our home? Yes they leave at 3-4 ish for 5-6ish and they depart the gym at 9 and arrive home at around 10pm. All while trying to maintain decent grades, which can be a struggle. Anyhow, we are due in CT this weekend for a big competition, however there is a blizzard sized snow storm headed our way. So, off to school I go on Tuesday, quite miserable but I went not retaining the fact that I even went to class, LOL. Luckily my husband volunteered to drive the kids to practice that night so I could try to rest. So I tried to sleep some. On Wednesday morning it was my birthday, I wake up, sick as a dog, to my phone ringing, its one of the roomies with a flat tire from taking my daughter to school! I have to grab her, take my little one (12) to school, drop her off, then head back to the SUV I left sitting with a flat. Some nice young kids at the shop adjacent to where we were seen us, and helped us out. Meanwhile, I find out my bank account is overdrawn to -$78.00. I am still laughing to myself, after all, what else am I to do???? I then proceed to get an ear-full from my husband about the tire, which by the way, isnt helping the tire, inst helping my bank account and certainly isnt stuffing chocolate b-day cake in my mouth, therefore NOT helping. So at this point I am trying to hurry up to get the tire fixed so that the kids can get to cheer that night safely. I stated to realize ow sick I am and go to the minute clinic, VIRUS, just time! Thats it! Oh well, I go home and go back to bed. Today, I wake up, I go to school, brain is still mush, not really able to hear or retain anything at all. In between classes and campuses, I decided to stop and have my car washed, as I pulled in, my card was declined and I had to re-run the membership. inside the wash I hear some loud banging and then it stops, Turns out, there was apparently a freakin ladder inside the wash that was beating up my new car. WTF??? At the end of the day, I am trying to gather myself to get my head together because I know I have to go home and pack for our trip to CT, and how were going to leave early before the blizzard. We get work that the venue is calling off the competition. Thank Goodness. However with my delight I ran up to nap some more of my sickness away. I woke up to the dogs barking like mad, then Hunter, peed on the kitchen floor twice. So, I can not go any further tonight, I am falling as asleep. But know this, I AM having a cake sometime this weekend, idc if is by myself, lol. Chocolate Cake dammit!
First I would like to identify myself. I am a 36 yr old white woman with quite an interesting story. I am new to blogging because I found this app on my phone while looking for a reasonable way to produce an on the go diary. I am a mother of two, a wife, a full time student as well as a gratefully recovering addict of almost 13 years! I have lived many crazy lives, before recovery and after recovery. I would like to remain anonymous, however, I have been told by many that my story may help other women and for that purpose I am willing to bear all!
To give up the hooks now, I will say that for my young years, I am on my third marriage, and neither of my beautiful daughters is a product of any of the three marriages. Another hook you say…… Ok, one of my daughters is a beautiful mixed baby (black and white) of 17yrs of age and a junior in HS. The other is a “girl next door”, looking, Irish porcelain holly hobby looking 12 yr old. My older child is very sweet and naive, yet always looking for a teen adventure, while my younger is a very head strong feisty little lady, just like her mother. Ha ha.
My current husband is the first time I have ever been in love! My love with him breaks every rule I ever knew growing up. I never thought that love existed. He has proven otherwise, at least to me. I find this quite amazing because I have always considered myself unable, unwilling, incapable of loving. Trusting another human being is something that does not come easy to me.
By the grace of God, I have clean and sober for 12 years and my belly button birthday is on February 6th. I will be 37. I am not thrilled about this, however, I am coming to terms with the fact that my childhood really never existed outside of my imagination, and that I to look back now is silly. I may not have enjoyed my youth, but the fact that I survived it without turning into a Truddy Chase case is miraculous, said so by many therapists. This is not because of horrible events that took place, but more so from the psychological standpoint that my very basic needs throughout life were not met. Please let me state for the record, it is not because of choice that my parents couldn’t provide basic formative needs! My parents survived far worse than I did, and never had a 12 step fellowship to assist them in self healing and discovery. My mother used a geographical cure when I was 18. My father was a sick, addicted, scorn little boy who suffered the unimaginable with no where to turn his whole life. He tried many times to get help but was in constitutionally in apple of grasping the self awareness and honesty it would’ve taken to digest and facilitate a working relationship with other humans in a 12 step fellowship.
I have hated myself since birth, and had constant reaffirming of that hatred all through my life. From my mother, to my aunts, uncles, and so on I was belittled and discounted because of the hatred towards my father. The whole family was very open about the hatred and disgust of my father and all he stood for. I was told at a young age, that “I ruined life”, “I’m just like my father”, “you’re crazy just like your father”, and the behavior towards me from my family members always reinforced exactly how they treated me verbally. The feeling I were taught to own we’re: not worthy, accident, poison, ruined,bad seed, accident,failure, sick, mental, fucked up, and basically unloveable. Now, what I know now that I of course didn’t know then was that as soon as I was removed from those situations in life, I continued to seek out others who would continue that family pattern for me. Well isn’t that just lovely.
Well that is quite a bit of background for one night. I would like to finish the ramble and let you all know that a part of this blog for me is to see how my new adventure on another new medication will work out for me. Hopefully it will, so I can try and feel like a human being, maybe for the first time. Don’t get me wrong, I am a very tough girl, I’ve managed through a lot, most on my absolutely own, and surviving is what I do. It’s the normal life I struggle to maintain. Lets see how it goes. I hope that my story can help just one person anywhere to know that they are not alone. Because i am here. Much love and goodnite, xoxoxox