On the way home tonight the feeling trickle in, the thoughts set in and before you know it the flood gates open….. Then the tears start rolling down my cheeks. I just want to scream. I turn the music up as loud as I can to drown out the sounds in my head. It starts to work, and my brain starts to clear. I ask myself, “what are you doing, and why are you doing it? You’re fucking better than this.” Then the song of my life comes on, “Everybody Hurts”, R.E.M.
It dawns on me that I have changed. Somewhere along my path I chose a course I swore would never suit me. The crazy part, I knew what I was doing and what the consequences would be. I just didn’t care. Selfish. I was in destructive mode. I don’t want to pick up chemicals, so used the next best thing….. Why? Why would I self destruct like this? Why would I hurt some poor young woman and her future? Why would I bury all that I loved about myself. Well, like every other good addict, it was over feelings. The desire to feel, excitement, thrill, beauty all of it. I sold out, I quit on my very own morals and values. I tossed my soul right out the damned door and my integrity with it. Who the hell am I? What have I become? I want to rewind. But I can’t! Its like relapsing and waking up and thinking, “WTF happened?”
The difference here is I know better, I know what comes next. And I deserve every bit of shit that flings at me for it. When they say, “Don’t quit before the miracle happens..”, well I just threw away all I have worked for; and then boom up pulls the fn miracle truck, dumps an end-dump worth of blessings on me and leaves me there to recognize that I blew it. I think that relapse would’ve felt better. I’m an addict, that’s expected of me. But this. How will God forgive me for what I have done. How will I stand with my head help high again? God just strike me and get bit over with. If I have a cross to carry, give it to me now. I don’t want to be surprised. Just do it; firm and fast! Take me out of myself before I travel that path again, and again.
Its all fun and games until reality kicks in. Then its guilt, shame, pain and remorse.
The question is….will I do it again?
Dear pleasure, I will miss you regularly and think of you often. Don’t forget about me. I know I won’t forget about you….Master.
Song of the night…..
“Nothing Compares to You”, Sinead O’Connor
Take care Master ❤
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