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Todays perspective.

Today was good, distracted but good.  I woke up this morning, took LaLa to school, then had to go back and deliver more appropriate pants to her.  I went and got myself a coffee, did some writing and went to class.  After class I sat with some people and had some laughs.  The funny thing is that I find it so odd that I can actually sit and mingle with some of these other students.  Some are my age, most of them not, and yet we are all walking the same life path.  The path of self-discovery.  God I wished I had done this years ago, when my should was free.  I can see why now people meet in college and fall in love and have no doubt a good life.  You see, when you are surrounded by people who are like minded in ambition, it works.  You guide and encourage each other to achieve each of your own personal goals.  You grow and stretch as a human being, you learn and change.  My fear is, what if I learn and change so much that I outgrow my current life.  I do not want to, but I can see how it happens.  I have met some great peers in school and I would be sad to not see them again.  And really they are not people that my husband may find enthusing.  So what do I do, have a separate life?  I know that it is possible, however, I am fearful that I will outgrow my situation completely.  How do I find myself, and stay the same all at the same time.  I really don’t know.  

Anyhow, as of today I have actually committed myself to doing for me.  This worries me too as I am a mother and a wife as well as several other things.  Will those I love suffer if I take care of myself.  How do I balance loving them and loving me at the same time.  Why do I always feel like I have to make a terrible choice.  Me or them?  Well the truth of the matter is, this is why people typically go to school, grow up first then start haven children.  And I could go on a whole rant beating myself up over that, but that is an old tune, and I am in a different place in my head tonight.  I am on fire, I want better.  I want to quit doing things that are bad for my body and be youthful again, except this time, I wanna be healthy.  I want to get myself into a strong and healthy body, a body I deserve.  Why do I treat my body so badly.  I resent it each time I look at it.  Don’t get me wrong I am blessed.  But I know I can look and feel a whole let better than I do.  I refuse to take this aging process laying down.  I can lay down when I am in my casket.  So tonight after class I ran some errands, came home and ate controlled portions of dinner and went for a run.  The exhilaration of my body moving in the right direction is enough to get my mind thinking.  I am already a very petite woman, I am frustrated with my tummy, skin and overall appearance yet I am the only enemy, which means I am the only solution.  Its time for something, someone new.  I am ready.  So when I came home from my run I took a shower with some music of course, and hopped on to social media and invited my friends who are fitness fanatics to hold me accountable to my very own goals.  I am thrilled with the response, before you know it I will be a whole new woman.  I should take a “before” photo tomorrow, and post it in my bedroom so I can remember why I am going to be sore at night, I know the work will be worth it, I know that I will feel great and that I just need to make it a habit, a way of life.  And I am determined to make it work for me.   Thanks for hearing me, K

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