Always remember…. Feeling aren’t facts! Must be my mantra revisited.
I am sitting here, lost and confused and I don’t know why. After a great night out, I am about to burst into tears, something hurts and I don’t know whats happening here. I don’t know if I need to go for a drive and scream and cry, if I want to talk about it, or if I want to shut out the whole entire world. I guess this is what happens when you play with fire, you get burned duh! Well here I sit, in pain, chest aching, stomach turning, wishing I were somewhere, anywhere else right now. Sadness overwhelms me and I don’t know why? What is happening here? I just want to melt away, where I can’t be seen or heard, or found. Can I not vanish, like a superhero, must I have a human heart? Have I broken my very own rules? Have I allowed something so wrong to feel so good that it hurts? It can’t be, not me, not ever, I am made of steel, a steel magnolia! I can beat the odds, I can beat it all. Why do I feel this way? My is my tummy twisting and turning? As I sit here and pray it was my dinner, I know I am wrong, and no matter how much I wish it to be, I am too smart to fall for even my own tricks. I am not sick from dinner, I am not short of breath from even having a cigarette. I am sore and feeling some feelings which I did not expect but I knew would eventually happen if I played long enough. I am no fool, I know the rules, I broke them and now I will suffer. And for now, at this moment, (and I am sure it will pass as I am who I am), a strong survivor of much harder things, but for now, it aches and it hurts and its causing shortness of breath. Like the elephant is sitting on my chest, but even worse is that I have some so far in my life that I am an open book, and I know others will soon put the pieces together. I can not mask, not without risking everything I have worked for. My reputation, my dignity, my respect. Am I really willing to part with all of that over a temporary filler of my emotional void within myself. And how selfish is that? But I swear, I did not intend it, it was not supposed to be this way. You see, you are wonderful, a great and decent person, I am just observant, and mature enough to appreciate that about you. It feel stood to tell you how highly I think of you. It feels good to make someone feel good. But I know that I am also a filling for your temporary void. What happens when it starts to feel like more than a helping, and friendly relationship? What happens when I actually lose control? I can not do such a thing, not ever. Yet here I am, questioning my very own strength. Where is my stubborn and tough qualities now? Why do you make me want to learn new things, and live new adventures. I was so content in my small little world of naps, and mundane day to day life. Why did you happen to come along and breath life into my soul? Happiness, you source of joy and bliss just go away. You aren’t mine. Not now and not ever will you be, you’re for someone else, and she is not me. However, she is the luckiest woman alive and I hope she will mature enough to see that. I have have a wonderful of my own, but I sometimes think my wonderful is just sleepwalking through life. I want to live, I want to enjoy the sun and the moon and the stars above. I want to feel the rain on my skin, the drops on my tongue and play in the dirt like an engrossed little kid on a brand new adventure. I want to feel again. I want to feel again, and I got what I wanted, it just wasn’t what I had bargained for. This is not what I planned. How did I get here? What is happening here? Someone please tell me, what am I feeling, what the hell is happening here? If I knew I can adjust it, amend it, make it go away, make it right, and I am strong enough to do that, but not until I know where the problem lies. Is it in my heart, my head, or my selfish wants and needs. Is it going to hurt more later? Should I put a stop to it now, it’ll only grow if I keep feeding it. I have never been hurt and now its my turn. I don’t know why to do, what is happening here? I thought I was smarter than this, I thought I was in control. Why wasI so foolish, how did I find myself here and where did I lose my control. This is not me, this is Not me! Someone else but not me. How did I let myself go? Where did I go off the track? What is happening here. My life that I loved, its dwindling away, because something thats feels harder and more passionate than before has taken over, I have lost it, I am not the boss now. I can’t believe it. What has happened to me, and what is happening here?
The worst part, making myself vulnerable enough to even write this, as it means now that it is out of my head, it is real. I can not ignore it, now I must take action. What action will it be. You will tell me to go screw, I will lose a friend, and that will hurt too. I am so sorry I dropped the ball, I thought for sure it’d be you, I thought for sure I was exempt, and maybe Ill be fine tomorrow, but for now, I just want to know, what is happening here?