Its funny how everything changes, yet it stays the same. Year after year, the teams, the travel, the job, the schooling. I am nearing the point of the year where ether will soon be a small taste of relief before I overwhelm myself once again in the fall. Luckily (I hope) for me, my eldest graduates this year and moves on, and out. That may or may not be one less kid pawing at my side, bleeding me of all I have on a daily basis. Although she’s a great kid and I should be pleased with her, I worry too. She’s not like me. She is not equipped for this world. She sees life like a small child, with no fear of whats to come, not a care in the world. She’s not independent, she is not a fighter, and she is a suburban girl.The only greed she knows is her own. She does not give credit to the fact that are those who are aware of their own greed and will stop at nothing to take from others. I do not mean possessions, I am speaking of spirit, of innosence. The natural and beautiful smile she carries, thinking the world is as kind as she is, as loving as she is. I fear for her. Her soul, her heart, the very fiber of what makes her who she is. I don’t want to see her hardened with hate, fear, envy and self loathing. Those are ugly things we learn along the way, while we are learning pain and mistakes. When I was young the world was so ugly, I could only see the darkness, hopelessness. However, that meant that it could only get better, and only if I chose better. And that I did. The world did not break me, it hardened me, it trained me, it taught me how to survive. But I don’t want that for her, not like that.
In may everything changes as it does every season. The teams change, the school year closes, I will select carefully a new schedule as to not disrupt the lives of my girls. I will struggle to maintain my grades and move on to a University, hopefully UMB. I will struggle to keep up with young people who have not a thing to care for other than themselves. No kids, no house, no job, no husband, mortgage, car payments, etc.. And I will be tired, exhausted. I will cry and want to quit some nights. But I won’t, I never do. Everything worth having is worth fighting for. Or it wouldn’t feel so good. So I will continue school, get my assoc. move on to UMB, get my BA, and then just keep going until I am a respected professional in all of the fields I like. Criminal Justice, Addictions, Social Services, Death With Dignity and more. Little by little as I age I will leave my footprint on the world. I will.
As for this short term stuff, I will focus on the family, send one off to school, the other still home for me to enjoy, until January when we start to travel again. I will be overwhelmed, I will cry, but I will persevere. I will, thats what I do. Dear God give me strength, I may scream it in my head, but I will hold it all together, I have no choice. I did not come this far to give up now. For once in my life, I will finish what I have started. And one day, I will look back at this, and I will say, I have done well. And it was all worth