First I would like to identify myself. I am a 36 yr old white woman with quite an interesting story. I am new to blogging because I found this app on my phone while looking for a reasonable way to produce an on the go diary. I am a mother of two, a wife, a full time student as well as a gratefully recovering addict of almost 13 years! I have lived many crazy lives, before recovery and after recovery. I would like to remain anonymous, however, I have been told by many that my story may help other women and for that purpose I am willing to bear all!
To give up the hooks now, I will say that for my young years, I am on my third marriage, and neither of my beautiful daughters is a product of any of the three marriages. Another hook you say…… Ok, one of my daughters is a beautiful mixed baby (black and white) of 17yrs of age and a junior in HS. The other is a “girl next door”, looking, Irish porcelain holly hobby looking 12 yr old. My older child is very sweet and naive, yet always looking for a teen adventure, while my younger is a very head strong feisty little lady, just like her mother. Ha ha.
My current husband is the first time I have ever been in love! My love with him breaks every rule I ever knew growing up. I never thought that love existed. He has proven otherwise, at least to me. I find this quite amazing because I have always considered myself unable, unwilling, incapable of loving. Trusting another human being is something that does not come easy to me.
By the grace of God, I have clean and sober for 12 years and my belly button birthday is on February 6th. I will be 37. I am not thrilled about this, however, I am coming to terms with the fact that my childhood really never existed outside of my imagination, and that I to look back now is silly. I may not have enjoyed my youth, but the fact that I survived it without turning into a Truddy Chase case is miraculous, said so by many therapists. This is not because of horrible events that took place, but more so from the psychological standpoint that my very basic needs throughout life were not met. Please let me state for the record, it is not because of choice that my parents couldn’t provide basic formative needs! My parents survived far worse than I did, and never had a 12 step fellowship to assist them in self healing and discovery. My mother used a geographical cure when I was 18. My father was a sick, addicted, scorn little boy who suffered the unimaginable with no where to turn his whole life. He tried many times to get help but was in constitutionally in apple of grasping the self awareness and honesty it would’ve taken to digest and facilitate a working relationship with other humans in a 12 step fellowship.
I have hated myself since birth, and had constant reaffirming of that hatred all through my life. From my mother, to my aunts, uncles, and so on I was belittled and discounted because of the hatred towards my father. The whole family was very open about the hatred and disgust of my father and all he stood for. I was told at a young age, that “I ruined life”, “I’m just like my father”, “you’re crazy just like your father”, and the behavior towards me from my family members always reinforced exactly how they treated me verbally. The feeling I were taught to own we’re: not worthy, accident, poison, ruined,bad seed, accident,failure, sick, mental, fucked up, and basically unloveable. Now, what I know now that I of course didn’t know then was that as soon as I was removed from those situations in life, I continued to seek out others who would continue that family pattern for me. Well isn’t that just lovely.
Well that is quite a bit of background for one night. I would like to finish the ramble and let you all know that a part of this blog for me is to see how my new adventure on another new medication will work out for me. Hopefully it will, so I can try and feel like a human being, maybe for the first time. Don’t get me wrong, I am a very tough girl, I’ve managed through a lot, most on my absolutely own, and surviving is what I do. It’s the normal life I struggle to maintain. Lets see how it goes. I hope that my story can help just one person anywhere to know that they are not alone. Because i am here. Much love and goodnite, xoxoxox