Dear Kathy, pt 1

Dear Kathy,

As an adult there are so many things I have learned that I wish you could learn also. Unfortunately, it is impossible for me to be the one to share these things with you. Mostly, I wish you could read some John Bradshaw. The particular book I am referring to is Bradshaw on The Family. I have never read a book more particular to my thoughts and feelings as the book, even more so than the Big Book of AA. Sometimes this makes me wonder if I really am an AA or an Al-Anon, Coda, or an ACOA, and most days I am all or some of these roles. I am starting however to see that the most crippling of these, which I once thought was addiction, is really ACOA, or at least for now it is.
I guess I could start by listing some things about you that are bothersome to me, but I think that assignment would be too easy, and I will definitely like the good ADOC I am, will certainly make a million and one excuses for your behavior which typically ands in my own guilt for feeling that I have somehow been mistreated when you may very well have been doing your best. I could in fact do that forever, for the rest of my life, but it would never help that certain void in me. I need to stop looking so much as what happened to you to make you behave in such a way, as I do need to see myself as a child with needs and without sin.
When Bradshaw speaks of shame and makes reference to Gershen Kaufman he quotes that shame is ….a sickness of the soul. As well as stating that, “Shame is a wound felt from the inside, dividing us both from ourselves and from one another.” Shame is kind of self-murder.
Shame murders the soul. And that is so accurate to my opinion of it, if I were ever able to express it, which I was not until the reading of this book. Shame is very different from guilt. Without the ability to see a clear difference, your very emotional and mental health are at risk. The ability to differentiate between the two is of course the job of the parent to teach, which would’ve meant you. Sad to say, this was a role that you were unable to fill, and although I know there is a logical reason behind your emotional handicap, it does not remove the damage that was passed on because of it.
Shame ran my life, and it still does sometimes thanks to the thorough neuro-pathways I have plowed obsessively over the years. You see, what happens with guilt and shame, is that guilt is a label for a behavior, it is temporary. Guilt comes and goes with the consequences of committing an undesirable deed. Shame on the other hand, is owned, it becomes the identity, it is who you are, you are bad rather than the behavior, you are the mistake, not you’ve made a mistake. Shame is an evil power that rapes the soul of any choice as to ever knowing peace. And that is just how I feel.
No matter the amount of therapy, or counseling, or CBT, gives me any hope that I will ever love myself. I feel that no amount of education, understanding or compassion is ever going to move me beyond that shame based identity. I live knowing that I am somehow a decent human being, smart and valued by someone somewhere, but never truly believing it. From infancy, we know the sky is blue because it is what we are told, and the same goes for my self talk.
The piece you don’t remember and will never have to see, if the part of my life where my soul never existed, and or was never given a chance to heal or repair. The 12 Steps are a fantastic band aide for a very long period of time. But eventually, when one gracefully floats off of the cloud of recovery gratitude, the realness of the past will set in. We may not be aware of it, but this is typically when God deems us ready to deal with our inner child issues. I guess I had thought I was chipping away at that all of thee years, by allowing myself to sing in the shower, or occasionally goof off, be selfish and nap all day, or dance around the house like a twerp kid. But it turns out its not so easy.
There is a major component missing in my life or recovery or whatever it is that I am doing. You see, when I am telling my story, it does not even feel like mine, like it happened to me. It is like reading out of a book, there is no connection for me. I DO NOT FEEL IT. I DO NOT FEEL THE PAIN, THE HURT THE DISAPPOINTMENT OF THAT LITTLE GIRL. I have separated myself from it so much, that I cant even feel it. I can not even describe what I think I should be feeling. I even feel as though I have possibly felt such deep grief in my life that I can not be hurt. I sometimes feel so broken that I am indestructible. Untouchable. I can not feel the feelings of that little girl. I don’t even know who she is. I don’t even know where or when she died. I wished I knew. I suppose from a therapeutic point of view, I should treat myself like any other hurt child, by holding them, reassuring them and rocking them to safety, but I can not do that for myself. Nor do I even want to. I can feel deeply connected enough to a movie, or a story or a book with tragedy, and pain and grief, but I can not feel it for myself.
I hate being me because sometimes I wish I could feel. But in order for me to feel, the endorphins have to soaring above normal. I need an extreme amount of pleasure to feel even the mildest sense of joy. How will I ever be able to give that to me, I can barely create it with others? The company of others barely if at all stimulates my interest. Another reference Bradshaw made that makes real sense to me is that of psychic numbness being the foundation of what becomes the living dead. That is very familiar to me. I am often in a mindset where I am wondering, am I even alive, is this happening? I feel nothing; I know that I am supposed to feel things, but a lot of the times I cant. I know when my husband touches me I am supposed to feel love and arousal or romance or passion, yet none of those come to play. I know I am supposed to care more deeply about the things that go on in my childrens lives, yet I get away with doing what I have to and not truly being unselfish. Sometimes I feel like I am a horrible child, doing nothing but feeling crazy and acting like a spoiled bitch. And I don’t know why I feel these things, and nothing needs to happen to trigger them. Somedays, I just wake up like that.
Rarely I have days where I do feel smart and confident, but by the end of the day I am so sick of hearing my own voice, so sick of the thought of my ego speaking, that I experience guilt and shame for the following few days for being so self-righteous and ignorant, like what do I really know. Most days of my life I just fake it till I make it.
I hate that everyday I wake up. I hate that everyday when I wake up I remember that I am broken. I hate when I wake up everyday and feel broken that the only person that can fix me, is me. It pisses me off. I have wasted so much time trying to heal, trying not to quit myself, and my children, so much time treating men and relationships with them so disposable. Why is it that I live life with a back pack policy. Take what I can and leave when need be. Never get to comfy, don’t get close, everyone and everything is temporary. I am bored quickly. I could very easily be a horrible and mean person if I had not practiced some seriously disciplined structure through treatment and 12 steps. I don’t ever want to harm another person, but I definitely had to make a conscious effort to learn to have compassion for others.
One thing I can say for sure is that I have zero attachment to any other humans outside of my children. I am sure some shrink somewhere will tell me that is unhealthy as well, which I already know and a lot of the times I just let them share with me what I already know. Yes, the kids and I are the only unconditional and consistent thing we’ve had. Yes I am lost without them, yes I will experience great pain when I am left to my own self without them to focus on. Yes I will wake up and have no one to see but myself. But for now, I want to there for them. Yet my self-defeating behavior will shield me from being truly able to do that as well. Ahhh the age-old question, what comes first, the chicken or the egg? Who’s life is it, theirs or mine? As a Sick person, how do I piece myself back together again and be whole for them at the same time? There is no winning!
I just spend everyday forcing myself to feel better, act better, and do better than what my head tells me I can. And sometimes that means just getting out of bed.

The truth. ..

the truth is ; I am not a good person I have betrayed myself my family my friends. I Know my Karma will find me ; and I Know it won’t feel good.
I now see how with all of my best Calculations of how this might turn out this is one factor I did not Calculate for I did not see the,t coming. I am wrong in my sins no doubt and I Always Knew ‘id eventually pay the piper .
Maybe I am a horrible human being What really were my excuses ? what, I didn’t get what I wanted as a kid ? Not enough attentionnot enough MoraLs  values not enough self-esteem > what drives me to self-sabotage the way I do in the most excellent life I Wanted So badly with my wonderful husband Is everything not enough or too much ? Why do I wreck Myself ? why do I settle for less than value and then become upset When I Cannot adhere to my very own standards, Shame on me God please forgive me. I am still just a being of human flaws and All.

Exposed by my children for what I really look like

Originally posted on Bridgette Tales:

Flipping through the pictures on my phone, I see it.

blogpic

My first reaction is shock. Who took this hideous picture of me?

Self-loathing and disgust swell up and threaten to bring me to tears.

Just as I am about to hit delete, my boy walks in the room.

“Do you know anything about this picture?” I ask him.

I turn the screen so he can see it. He smiles huge.

“I took that of you in Tahoe,” he says. “You looked so beautiful laying there. I couldn’t help it mom.”

“You need to ask me before using my phone to take pictures,” I say.

“I know,” he says. “But mom, seriously, look how pretty you look?”

I look at the picture again and try to see what he sees.

My daughter walks over and takes a look.

“That could be a postcard mom,” she says smiling. “You’re so beautiful. I…

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The day today.

Today was a god day, with an exchange of messages from a friend about school scheduling, and talks of going back in the fall, I feel like I am already getting refocused. I am only a handful of credit short of my associates, and I could not be more proud of myself. For this woman, it is an accomplishment I was told I could never achieve.

In a couple of more years, I will be even more astonished at the challenge ill accept in the Bachelors program, and then on to certificates, and specialties and then eventually a masters in the desired field of destination. I am so proud that God had a better plan for me then my family had. I am not doomed to be a failure, I just simply refuse. I will show my girls that I loved them enough to never give up on my dreams, that I will never settle for less than I am capable up. I will never quit, not growing is not an option. I will show them that no matter comes at you in your life, you never have to throw up the white flag and surrender, unless it promotes spiritual growth. And that would require for God to have another plan for you, and if so, He will let you know what is meant to be.

The other week I walked through some serious fear and really exposed myself by asking for the chance to advance my training in the field I more desire on a unit that I am not “qualified for my degree”, I took a risk, and rumor has it, that it just might materialize for me. I will not get my hopes up, but to know that I was even considered, is a bonus to know. I am valuable, I am worthy and I am an asset to others. One of these days I will not only know it because others think so, I will know it because I will think so. Everything happens for a reason, I am ok with either result, stay in the position I am or move on. I am confident that God has a plan for me, He has not abandoned me yet and has brought this far. He will not leave me now when I am dying to do His work. I am so grateful, and I would love to hop back on here soon and tell you I have great news very soon, but again, just the fact that I was considered is a reason alone to be grateful.

So I thought…

Boy was I wrong, but not about much. I got what I had expected, plus a couple of moves more, so I thought. I got what I wanted plus some added bullshit, a couple of twisted little hiccups, still nothing I regret. See I am a big girl and I can take what I get. As for your simple mind, settling is just what you’ll get. I knew what I was buying, and got just what I paid for, cheap thrills as band aides, and really nothing more. The sucky thing about it is tearing the band aid off. So let’s do it real quickly so the hurt can shake off. There would be no hurt if I didn’t think you were a friend, but I know thats not true so ripping that aid is whats best in the end. What sucks is I am generally warm and caring at the surface at least, you could’ve just been real. That is the difference my dear about the maturity of life, you may wake up one day, realize what you’ve done, but how you deal with it your mistakes is the truth teller. It will expose the character and the maturity of ones soul. I know what I did and why I did it, I will certainly make peace with it when need be. Things end, things change, things improve, and things die. Just be honest and graceful and dignified. Own your part, don’t be mean or cruel. Be genuine to yourself at least. No one was trying to harm you, it was YOU that got in the way. I am an open door, and an open person, you could’ve just said the words. But you couldn’t, because you’re not mature. Boy I wish things were different, or that you really were as brave as you were, so I thought… However I will miss you my friend… What we had felt so good to my body.

What is the truth?…. It’s so very important. It is without a value. It is all we have… Our Very Own TRUTH.

Something was different this time. I don’t know why. I am sure he noticed it, there’s no way he didn’t. If he didn’t, then he really isn’t half as bright as I had originally expected……

After a week of being gone with no conversation at all, I had been so busy and quite content without him. He is a distraction from my real life. I suppose he is in my alter life, my imaginary life. Frankly we fill that role for each other.

What I find to be very plain to see is that he is my secret connection to acting out the years of my life I either wasted or spent mothering at a young age and therefore missing some pieces of maturing that takes place during those vital years of finding oneself in their young adult hood. A sense of spontaneity, risk, fun, adventure and a carefree attitude.

For him, I am an escape from his mundane relationship with his long time girlfriend with whom does not enjoy her life yet, as she has not matured enough to decide how much power to give her life stresses, as well as the confidence to break the cycle in her family. She’s an overworked, overstressed caregiver for a younger sibling and an ill parent. I feel bad for her. She does not know yet that she does have a choice as to whether or not to life for herself or others. I will pray for her.

You see, everyone serves their purpose no matter how temporary. But here are the more current events. He was gone for a week, I survived quite well. However upon his return, we began chatting again and things took a left. There was discussion of a deeper emotion which I balk on, even if I do mean it. Soon after that, a meeting in the night. It was pretty similar to what I had expected. The passion, the raw hunger for each other physically was so there. Its a beautiful chemistry. Absolutely fabulous. Surprising actually, due to what I see to be a lack of life knowledge, it must be pure gift! His background is that of a reserved family, one would never expect him to be such an animal (in a good way), much less possess the skill and knowledge of the tricks he has. He is amazing!

So back to the other night, we were doing our thing, and the topic of my discomfort revisits, the one that makes me balk. Of course right in the middle of spreading physical ecstasy all over the room. I am stunned, first because he is a male and second because why does he want to hear this from me? Why, why? It was all I could think, and my brain froze… Now this is where most women are thrilled for the chance to hear a man ask to hear it, and I am petrified. I care enough about him to love and adore him to pieces as a person, as a filler, as a friend and lover, but this was just too much. I also didn’t want to kill the pleasure we were in, I was stuck! I thought and thought and spilled it out, hating myself for telling a lie. All the while asking myself, why when I know its just as fabricated in his mind too. I was stressing. I continued to enjoy myself, thinking “oh I can deal with an amends later”, (which is old behavior for me, being misleading and non-genuine).

After I return him to his vehicle and I make my way back, I had never felt so bad. I cared way too much about him to lie like I did, why did I do that? Then I thought to myself, wait why the hell did he? Now with my brain that never shuts off, I analyze to the point where I am freaking out, wondering if I had gotten myself into a situation that was more intense than we’d planned, I am not looking to hurt myself or anyone else more than I already am. I then take a nice warm bath, try to relax, pack up and sneak home at 4 am. Oh my God, all I wanted to to lay in my bed and cry, had I become a person that I hate, a person that is entering into a situation that is certainly not to end well? Deeper and deeper my sadness sinks, my self loathing, even a loathing towards him.

The next morning/afternoon I become angry with him, and the reason is that I figured it out! He wanted to hear me say it, because he wants to have what he has with me, with the one he loves, (as he should, but does not). He wants her to make him feel how I do, in his mind, his satisfaction would really be to have her beneath him saying it into his eyes, while exchanging the movements that we do. I am his filler too.

As I stated above, at first I was angry, then sad, for myself, I guess for a minute I felt flattered that he wanted to hear me say it. However when I realized that “IT” is and that it really had nothing to do with me, that hurt too. And why exactly did it hurt? Did I mentally reject myself on his behalf? I don’t even know. I was hoping to get the chance to talk to him about it, but I am somehow feeling like I won’t.

The good news is, I do care enough to have a conversation, if he will allow. And I do care enough about him to tell him what I really think the truth is about why he wanted to hear it, even if it is my psychoanalyzing of the situation and not fact. It still needs to be put out there. The bottom line is, I like what we have, even though it is forbidden. I will deal with that consequence wham I come to it. And I will take full responsibility when the time comes. So in spite of my hurt and slight rejection (possibly self-induced) and my disappointment in myself for not being truthful with him due to my own desire of pleasure, I still want to hang on to the friendship that we do have. And maybe I’m wrong, maybe this conversation will be the very thing that makes us decide that its time to call it quits. I don’t suspect that to be the end result either as he may not love me, but he certainly values me as a person and as a friend, even without benefits. I suspect he will feel the same relief. Hey if it turns out that its a role-play thing, then I wouldn’t mind so much, I a, in! As long as he is aware that I am not making commitments that I will not keep.

Let me say something else to make it clear, I love my spouse, what he gives me is unconditional love that I can’t ever measure up to with my twisted views of love and my general mistrust of the human race, particularly those who claim to love, especially claiming to love me. He will be the only one holding my hand at the end of my life, the only person to take me for exactly what I am, as I am, how I am with all off my faults and errors, including this one here. He loves my children, he loves me and all that comes with me, event he ugly. No one else can even attempt to rise to that event.He will never abandon me, he will never judge me, and I feel the same. What I am gong through right now is completely selfish and self center and he is somewhat aware that I am in a very selfish state right now. I am brutally honest with him about my emotions. And eventually, maybe years away, or maybe on my death bed, if he hasn’t figured it out already, I know in my heart he will still love me and accept me for the human being that I am, with the utmost love and respect still as preserved as it was when we married. No one in the whole world can love me life that, and that I am sure. I have not a single doubt in my mind.

As for “the him”, he loves his woman as well, I don’t know to the extent, or the health of it, but I do know that I am NOT the one he wants to hear ILU from. It is her. And she is worthy of him. He is a very special man. I wish she would take the time to decompress and enjoy what is right in front of her. I also pray that this will happen because I already know he will commit to her for life the way things are and currently neither of them are pleased with outside interference. She can not give him what he needs, and he can not YET due to his youth give her what she THINKS she needs. Its actually super sad. I wish she could learn (which comes with age and life path) that the only person in the world she needs to please is herself, the man she loves and her future children. But until she gains that perspective, she will remain irritable, and frustrated with her current life, hence resulting in the gap in the relationships intimacy and the starfish action.

As for the whole of us, we are not bad people, we are all people trying to find some life in this world without asking too much of our significant others in this screwed up demanding world we live in. We are all so busy trying to be perfect that we all all driving each other and ourselves into the arms of someone who will accept us for who we are, even if its a noncommittal, and unconventional way of living.

I do not claim to be perfect, by any stretch. I am really very harmless, I really do wish the best for all of us. However what I am learning as of recent, is that I am a human being. I am going through something that is a part of my life for now, and I doubt I will regret it as I learn from every situation I enter into and typically gain greater love and understanding of the world and other human beings.

The simply most baffling and ironic thing of this whole stir-up, if that had this taken place at the Hilton a few weeks ago, I would have meant it or at least believed I could. That evening was so special to me. It really was such a memorable event, it would’ve been the perfect night for that situation, even if it weren’t the real deal.

But I love you with an acceptance of the way things are, no more. You’ll forever have a place in my heart for the way you’ve helped me feel throughout his very tough process.