Something was different this time. I don’t know why. I am sure he noticed it, there’s no way he didn’t. If he didn’t, then he really isn’t half as bright as I had originally expected……
After a week of being gone with no conversation at all, I had been so busy and quite content without him. He is a distraction from my real life. I suppose he is in my alter life, my imaginary life. Frankly we fill that role for each other.
What I find to be very plain to see is that he is my secret connection to acting out the years of my life I either wasted or spent mothering at a young age and therefore missing some pieces of maturing that takes place during those vital years of finding oneself in their young adult hood. A sense of spontaneity, risk, fun, adventure and a carefree attitude.
For him, I am an escape from his mundane relationship with his long time girlfriend with whom does not enjoy her life yet, as she has not matured enough to decide how much power to give her life stresses, as well as the confidence to break the cycle in her family. She’s an overworked, overstressed caregiver for a younger sibling and an ill parent. I feel bad for her. She does not know yet that she does have a choice as to whether or not to life for herself or others. I will pray for her.
You see, everyone serves their purpose no matter how temporary. But here are the more current events. He was gone for a week, I survived quite well. However upon his return, we began chatting again and things took a left. There was discussion of a deeper emotion which I balk on, even if I do mean it. Soon after that, a meeting in the night. It was pretty similar to what I had expected. The passion, the raw hunger for each other physically was so there. Its a beautiful chemistry. Absolutely fabulous. Surprising actually, due to what I see to be a lack of life knowledge, it must be pure gift! His background is that of a reserved family, one would never expect him to be such an animal (in a good way), much less possess the skill and knowledge of the tricks he has. He is amazing!
So back to the other night, we were doing our thing, and the topic of my discomfort revisits, the one that makes me balk. Of course right in the middle of spreading physical ecstasy all over the room. I am stunned, first because he is a male and second because why does he want to hear this from me? Why, why? It was all I could think, and my brain froze… Now this is where most women are thrilled for the chance to hear a man ask to hear it, and I am petrified. I care enough about him to love and adore him to pieces as a person, as a filler, as a friend and lover, but this was just too much. I also didn’t want to kill the pleasure we were in, I was stuck! I thought and thought and spilled it out, hating myself for telling a lie. All the while asking myself, why when I know its just as fabricated in his mind too. I was stressing. I continued to enjoy myself, thinking “oh I can deal with an amends later”, (which is old behavior for me, being misleading and non-genuine).
After I return him to his vehicle and I make my way back, I had never felt so bad. I cared way too much about him to lie like I did, why did I do that? Then I thought to myself, wait why the hell did he? Now with my brain that never shuts off, I analyze to the point where I am freaking out, wondering if I had gotten myself into a situation that was more intense than we’d planned, I am not looking to hurt myself or anyone else more than I already am. I then take a nice warm bath, try to relax, pack up and sneak home at 4 am. Oh my God, all I wanted to to lay in my bed and cry, had I become a person that I hate, a person that is entering into a situation that is certainly not to end well? Deeper and deeper my sadness sinks, my self loathing, even a loathing towards him.
The next morning/afternoon I become angry with him, and the reason is that I figured it out! He wanted to hear me say it, because he wants to have what he has with me, with the one he loves, (as he should, but does not). He wants her to make him feel how I do, in his mind, his satisfaction would really be to have her beneath him saying it into his eyes, while exchanging the movements that we do. I am his filler too.
As I stated above, at first I was angry, then sad, for myself, I guess for a minute I felt flattered that he wanted to hear me say it. However when I realized that “IT” is and that it really had nothing to do with me, that hurt too. And why exactly did it hurt? Did I mentally reject myself on his behalf? I don’t even know. I was hoping to get the chance to talk to him about it, but I am somehow feeling like I won’t.
The good news is, I do care enough to have a conversation, if he will allow. And I do care enough about him to tell him what I really think the truth is about why he wanted to hear it, even if it is my psychoanalyzing of the situation and not fact. It still needs to be put out there. The bottom line is, I like what we have, even though it is forbidden. I will deal with that consequence wham I come to it. And I will take full responsibility when the time comes. So in spite of my hurt and slight rejection (possibly self-induced) and my disappointment in myself for not being truthful with him due to my own desire of pleasure, I still want to hang on to the friendship that we do have. And maybe I’m wrong, maybe this conversation will be the very thing that makes us decide that its time to call it quits. I don’t suspect that to be the end result either as he may not love me, but he certainly values me as a person and as a friend, even without benefits. I suspect he will feel the same relief. Hey if it turns out that its a role-play thing, then I wouldn’t mind so much, I a, in! As long as he is aware that I am not making commitments that I will not keep.
Let me say something else to make it clear, I love my spouse, what he gives me is unconditional love that I can’t ever measure up to with my twisted views of love and my general mistrust of the human race, particularly those who claim to love, especially claiming to love me. He will be the only one holding my hand at the end of my life, the only person to take me for exactly what I am, as I am, how I am with all off my faults and errors, including this one here. He loves my children, he loves me and all that comes with me, event he ugly. No one else can even attempt to rise to that event.He will never abandon me, he will never judge me, and I feel the same. What I am gong through right now is completely selfish and self center and he is somewhat aware that I am in a very selfish state right now. I am brutally honest with him about my emotions. And eventually, maybe years away, or maybe on my death bed, if he hasn’t figured it out already, I know in my heart he will still love me and accept me for the human being that I am, with the utmost love and respect still as preserved as it was when we married. No one in the whole world can love me life that, and that I am sure. I have not a single doubt in my mind.
As for “the him”, he loves his woman as well, I don’t know to the extent, or the health of it, but I do know that I am NOT the one he wants to hear ILU from. It is her. And she is worthy of him. He is a very special man. I wish she would take the time to decompress and enjoy what is right in front of her. I also pray that this will happen because I already know he will commit to her for life the way things are and currently neither of them are pleased with outside interference. She can not give him what he needs, and he can not YET due to his youth give her what she THINKS she needs. Its actually super sad. I wish she could learn (which comes with age and life path) that the only person in the world she needs to please is herself, the man she loves and her future children. But until she gains that perspective, she will remain irritable, and frustrated with her current life, hence resulting in the gap in the relationships intimacy and the starfish action.
As for the whole of us, we are not bad people, we are all people trying to find some life in this world without asking too much of our significant others in this screwed up demanding world we live in. We are all so busy trying to be perfect that we all all driving each other and ourselves into the arms of someone who will accept us for who we are, even if its a noncommittal, and unconventional way of living.
I do not claim to be perfect, by any stretch. I am really very harmless, I really do wish the best for all of us. However what I am learning as of recent, is that I am a human being. I am going through something that is a part of my life for now, and I doubt I will regret it as I learn from every situation I enter into and typically gain greater love and understanding of the world and other human beings.
The simply most baffling and ironic thing of this whole stir-up, if that had this taken place at the Hilton a few weeks ago, I would have meant it or at least believed I could. That evening was so special to me. It really was such a memorable event, it would’ve been the perfect night for that situation, even if it weren’t the real deal.
But I love you with an acceptance of the way things are, no more. You’ll forever have a place in my heart for the way you’ve helped me feel throughout his very tough process.